(Boundaries & The Heart) - Free Indeed - Abundant Living After Abuse

February 2

Several years ago while I was speaking at a women’s retreat I was approached by an amazing, beautiful, and intelligent, wife and mother of two pre-teens. Her name was Gina. After I had finished my session, Gina waited toward the back to ask me a couple of questions. She actually waited until there were a few women around to talk with me. Finally, her time came up to ask and her question was “how do you stop the hurt?” This question was very much a legitimate question and I had to think for a moment because I could see that she was hurting. After careful consideration, my answer to her was with a question, “do you want to stop the hurt or speak about stopping the hurt?” 

She gave me a puzzled look as if to say, what are you getting at? I answered with a question gain. What have you tried before to stop the hurt that has not worked and what are you trying now? She replied that she had been praying a great deal. Great! I told her okay! Prayer is excellent, but my next question was do you believe in what you pray for?  I mean, do you pray for forgiveness of the person or individuals that hurt you?  “Yes!” She replied.  Excellent! My next question was, have you set boundaries with the person who has caused you great pain? She thought for a moment and replied “No!” There was her answer. We need boundaries.   

You see, when she was a little girl around 5 or 6 years old she and her father would go sell books in town. During those outings Gina’s father would take her into the woods and rape her. This went on for several years until she was old enough to protect herself. She kept this secret all her life and when she met me she had to make a decision. She was losing sleep, she was experiencing health issues and such because she had recently allowed her father (her abuser) and her ailing mother to come and live in her home. 

Every night she would get up once everyone was asleep and lay down in front of her daughter’s bedroom door so that Gina’s father would not get to her little girl or son who had a room right next door to his sister. This was taking a toll on her marriage because she never told her husband, taking a toll on her health and she was losing a battle. I began to work with Gina to set up boundaries and come clean with the abuse. How could she function with her abuser living under the same roof? She couldn’t and it her heart was in conflict. Gina needed to set up meets and bounds for her hearts sake.

Just like real estate where you have metes and bounds, we must have boundaries established and metes and bounds for our hearts to protect our mind, body and soul. As God’s children, we must be responsible in protecting God’s property (temple) “Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Anyone crossing those boundaries we have set for ourselves to protect His temple is infringing on Christ’s temple. Boundaries are a factor in the healing process. If you don’t know your personal, mental and emotional boundaries, no one else will know them either. Gina needed to place a “no trespassing” sign on the fences of her heart that enabled others to know her and their boundaries. By doing so, she could stop the hurt and hold her peace in the process.

Let me stop here for a moment to explain that when I say hold your peace, I mean keep the Giver of Peace in your heart, but still speak your peace. With boundaries, you can love someone, but you do not have to like them, their actions, their behavior, or their attitudes toward you. I told Gina that when she prayed, she might want to pray for those who hurt her, those who hate her, those she despises, and more importantly, pray for the strength to forgive them and for her to set her boundaries through Christ.  It took Gina sometime after our first meeting to actually comprehend what I was saying, but now, with God’s help, she was on the road to recovery. 

We may never forget the past or those who caused us pain, but we cannot allow the past to dictate our future.  Therefore, we must be rooted in the WORD. If you want to set up boundaries for your heart remember it takes time to heal, and from this day forward, you must be realistic, patient and hold yourself accountable to set your boundaries.

Are you ready to take care of your temple, your heart and your mind by setting boundaries?